Becoming Free to Be Me

I’ve had countless struggles and revelations on my path to freedom. I don’t believe that you have to struggle to have breakthroughs, but it sure does make them all the more enlightening.

I’ve felt for a while now that having freedom to express myself is an essential need/desire of mine, and yet I’ve feared rejection and sought out approval. The is especially true when it comes to my marriage. I’ve hidden parts of myself for fear of being misunderstood and dismissed. Sadly, in the unhealthy shadows of my relationship, I’ve felt continually criticized, rejected, shamed, judged and made to feel guilty.

Yet, just today on my long drive and talk with a dear Sister of mine, I finally truly realized that I am the one who has allowed that bondage to keep my soul protected, and only I can set myself free.

I went to my favorite bookstore, Renaissance Books in NW Portland, with the intention of buying a new tarot deck. I chose the Gaian Tarot, which I was drawn to for it’s natural vividness. Once I opened it up, I was struck by just how different it is than my traditional tarot decks. In my first glance of the major arcana, the two cards that struck me most were the Awakening (Judgment) and the Bindweed (The Devil). Not surprisingly, I drew them both in my first reading.

I really like the layout/format of the book that came with the Gaian Tarot. Partly because it asks some great questions (which my favorite online resource, Tarot Teachings, includes in its resources)

  • What holds me in bondage? I’ve held myself in bondage. Believing that I need Kevin’s approval to live my life. I’ve felt unworthy to earn an income on my own, and missed the validation that I used to get from my career. I’ve felt that I need an organization to serve through, and listened to the fears of Kevin.
  • What is out of balance in my life? I need to schedule time at Olivia Beach and in Portland where I can have dedicated self care time to myself and to connect with my Sisters. It feels as though I’ve sacrificed/abandoned this part of my work/life balance dream. I need to make sure to schedule this back into my life, with Kevin’s permission or not.
  • What gets too much of my time and attention? This past week especially, with sick kids, it feels like my family gets the vast majority of my attention. They often distract from my work and make it challenging to meet my own needs without feeling guilty (this guilt/bondage is what I really need to work to bring awareness/light to in order to forgive/release).
  • What are my shadow aspects the I deny or fail to acknowledge? I have definitely tried to deny my desire to spend time away from my family and with my sister. I’ve felt selfish, and worked while I’m away to compensate.
  • When have I been less than truthful with myself or others? Since moving to Astoria the majority of my trips to Portland (and sometimes to the beach cabins) have been very last minute. I identify some valid needs that draw me away, and then proceed to try to justify/convince Kevin that I need to go. The truth is that I usually have the feeling that I need to leave much earlier, but I push the thought aside until I truly need to make the call to go. It’s the same pattern that my Mom did/does with my Dad. It’s partly because, almost certainly, Kevin will be disappointed or upset that I need to be away and do whatever he can to negotiate things to meet his needs. This pattern is definitely not working for me, and I don’t how manipulative I feel, especially with suppressing my own desires/needs.
  • Who or what do I tend to give my power away to? Why? For a very long time I’ve given my power away to Kevin. The obvious why is because he’s my husband, but it’s me who has adapted into a role/relationship where I am subservient and usually put his and the kids needs before my own. I think I do this because I love to see them happy, and I know I get validation/affirmation that I’m good enough and deserve all their love.
  • How can I free myself from that which holds me in bondage? I know my family won’t appreciate it initially, but one of my deepest desires on this trip is to schedule out my visits for the next year, so that that is no hidden agenda for when/why/wherever I need to go for work, play or whatever I need to get time to myself.
  • What kind of healing does bindweed offer me? The darkest of the card and the constriction of the body simply reminds me that it’s me or how I want to live my life. I want the exact opposite, the full regal plumage of a peacock and a lotus in full bloom.
  • What kind of healing can I offer the Earth through the example of the Bindweed? I can offer my authentic self, being free to be me.

In the “future” position of the spread, which is a Celtic cross, is the Awakening (Judgment) card. The wide open arms give me such a feeling of ease and connection to the divine.

If I’m really honest, the biggest reason I wanted to go to Portland this weekend was for the full moon and lunar eclipse. I am so incredibly eager to begin this new astrological cycle/chapter, and I felt like I couldn’t risk being distracted from my inner work. I truly feel a divine calling toward spiritual awakening, and it’s an exciting time to connect with Sisters.

Now, just after the eclipse, I realize that what I most want is to plan for the full moon and new moon to be a sacred time.

The other big “aha” of the eclipse was feeling a calling to become ordained as a celebrant (on top of finally starting to read tarot to clients/guests). It’s kind of odd, given that I’m currently going through some pretty intense marriage counseling, but I still deeply feel as though the act of marrying another person such an expression of love, and that I would love to share in that moment. I don’t exactly what this will look like, but I am excited to integrate this desire to serve in this way into my life. It feels like a really beautiful way to celebrate life.

Peace and love,

Darcy Rose

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