Gaia tarot spread on eve of Venus retrograde 10/4/2018
Today Venus goes into retrograde for the next forty days, currently in Libra and about to go back into Scorpio. Whenever any planet goes into retrograde, it’s a time for inner reflection.
I still consider myself a novice when it comes to explaining evolutionary astrology, yet when it comes to feeling the energy of the planets, I often feel very much in alignment. It’s felt uncanny how much my whole transformation process has mirrored the planets.
Since moving into my new home this summer, I’ve used my almost daily tarot practice to make sense of the Mars in retrograde. On most days I’ve done a page of journaling along with the reading (after my 1 1/2 kundalini yoga practice…and yes I do get up at 5 to have my “me” time before my kids wake up). Honestly, my readings in September, after having had some real breakthroughs in August, have felt really incredible. I’ve been feeling really called to share them publicly (even though another voice always wants me to keep them private, but I know it’s just my ego and I have nothing to fear and anyone who is offended by what I have to say just isn’t yet willing to look at their own shadow).
Before/after turning 40, I had really wanted to challenge myself to writing every day for forty days, but the truth was that I knew my marriage was about to end, and I was trying to figure out how to do so with the least collateral damage, so as much as I wanted to speak my truth, I didn’t have the heart to break up in that way (I was public enough as it was, and got major push back from some family/friends for it).
Now, I feel as though the Death card is really the key for me. It feels like I need to simply write and share my story, however that ends up coming out, to be able to rebirth myself.
So, even as I begin this whole reflection process, I don’t know exactly how to share both what’s shown in the cards and what it brings up in relation to my life, but I’ll take it one day at a time and do my best. Don’t expect a full explanation of each of the cards, and I simply want to share in the context of what feels true for me in the context of my life/story.
On the above tarot spread, I felt a deep peace seeing the Ace of Air and the Ace of Earth. I love new beginnings, and get such a burst of creative energy. I’m also a Gemini, air sign, and with all the transformation, this “year of the butterfly meditation” has been one of my very favorites.
Listening to it again now, I am struck by how powerful this reading feels. The center card, Six of Fire, has a special meaning. On the awful night that I told my ex about my affair, he tossed my tarot cards and books on the front porch, in an attempt to kick me out. Two cards flew all the way into the hydrangea, the Six of Fire and The Hermit, as soon as I found them, I knew they were the perfect reflection of myself and him. He would have been happy to stay a hermit of sorts (with me mothering/serving him), but he couldn’t stand the idea of me dancing in my own light. That’s really what it came down to…plus me wanting an open relationship.
At the base, where the subconscious lies, is The Lovers. When I first started reading tarot in college, I only ever thought of having one lover (even though I briefly dated a few guys at the same time, which felt exhilarating!). Now, two years after first and feeling divinely inspired to stop closing my heart and mind, I adore the connections that I feel with all of my lovers. I’ve wondered how/when to “come out” and say that for a long time, wondering if I would regret sharing my new passion publicly. While I do still want to keep my kindred connections sacred and private, it feels right to share that I am in love and love living with an open heart. I cherish the contrast I experience, but most of all I love feeling authentically myself, like I no longer need to hide who I am at heart. It’s all still so new that I don’t know what each day or week will bring, and best of all, I no longer feel attached to controlling and putting conditions on my relationships. It truly has made me feel free and in awe at how magical life and love can be…certainly a topic to be continued…
Three of Water, in the placement of consciousness, always reminds me of my happy childhood, especially summers. I was truly like an otter child, loving playing in the river. Just thinking of water lifts my spirits, and water simply bring me into a state of bliss, even just a shower or bath (perfect for today, as I went to the Carson Hot springs with a dear friend, and my broker who wanted to celebrate my new home…she definitely knows me!!).
Eight of Fire, in the near past, makes me think of the flashes of insight and awakening that I so love to experience, but find challenging to share with others and to truly take action of every great idea that I fall in love with.
With the Three of Earth, reflecting the near future, I always feel grateful for my Sister relationships, and recognize how much I need/love having deeply connected female friendship. My Soul Sisters know who they are, but I still love feeling open to be becoming lifelong Sisters with someone I’ve just met, either way, I know we are in each others’ lives for divine reasons. My sisters give me guidance and help me reflect my values, and by admiring them, I always get a boost of confidence to be in the presence (or virtually) with women I admire. This card feels perfect.
Again, the Ace of Earth in “my” place in the spread (which is called a Celtic cross) feels perfect as well, as I have just finished purchasing my home this week and am still finishing off some settling in projects, and planting perennials, before planning my housewarming. While I’ve been renting my home since May, it feels altogether different to know that I own it (and am technically committed to buying it for the next thirty years…even though I plan to pay it off much faster…). I love the freshness of living in a home that settled enough to not feel chaotic, but new enough to still want to play with things enough to try out different ways until it feels like it suits me and family.
Child of Fire, I get this card often (along with the Child of Water), and it represents new creative energy and feeling inspired, which is absolutely my natural norm, when I’m fully in alignment with my calling and consciously caring for my needs and desires.
Death is a card that I’ve come to love this year. I’ve known on a deep level that death and letting go of who I was is necessary to becoming who I know I am inside. I also just love this image and how peaceful it feels, as though simply accepting death can bring peace.
The Hermit in this deck feels very literal, and always reminds me of how much I crave leaving the busy world, and writing, especially in nature. I know that I learn through my writing and regardless of however my words may impact anyone, they undoubtedly inspire and transform me. I know that with my desire to be social and needing to care for my kids that it takes a lot of discipline to carve out time.
OK, wow, well after having started this reflection in the midmorning, it’s now at 1:40, and I’m hoping that I don’t catch any errors when I reread in the morning. I am also sending out positive vibes that only who is meant to read this will (I thought today, after writing the Lovers piece that I wish there was an easy way to filter from my kids…I’ve known for a while that I need to be brave enough to talk with them about my life choices, and I even just got a new book at the library about how and when to talk with kids about sex. I’m sure that I’m simply part of new wave of souls who choose to experience relationships in diverse ways, and by the time they are my age it will be as casually normal as having tow moms or dads, but that doesn’t make it any easier to explain now…).
If you are a rare online reader who actually makes it to the final lines, I give you my sincere appreciation. I know there’s a gazillion ways you could entertain/enlighten/distract yourself, and I am grateful that you chose to spend this moment reading my story.
Peace, Love & Light,