Four of Fire (Wands) is revealing herself again, and asking me to share more about my spiritual practices. Funny enough, I just started listening to Father Martin’s sermon, and of all things he’s talking about taboos. He opened the sermon sharing about a woman who asked pure strangers about what their favorite sexual position, and people answered enthusiastically. Then she asked how much money people have in their bank account, and people were appalled. If I may digress, I really do believe that the taboos of money, sex and spirituality are all things I want to write and talk about. I’ve already written about all my/our money stories: Round 1, Round 2, Round 3a, college money stories, before becoming a Cronin, after marriage before kids, after kids, and about questioning this cultural taboo. So, back to my spiritual practices…even though I have been to Grace Memorial Episcopal Church since just after Easter, I would like to share that my Easter experience was nothing short of revelatory. Having started to attend the church when Kieran was toddler and I was soon to be pregnant with Makenna, we decided to join wanting our kids to have a spiritual tradition, experience and community (as explained in a previous reflection, it was a middle ground between his Catholic upbringing and my more voluntary self-inspired Methodist route). Now that I’m divorced, I feel like I am in a whole new territory of figuring out was works for me, as well as somehow trying to convey this to my children. I need to take more time to dig deeper, perhaps in a series of posts, like I dig with my money stories, because it’s a long and ongoing story…
Child of Fire (Wands) It’s also an exciting journey, and despite it getting darker and darker each morning, as I wake by 5 a.m., if I’m actually well rested, I naturally around 4, which is when it’s thought that spiritual awakening happens most readily, and is certainly something that I can attest to…I mean on a practical level, I try not to look at being a mom or head of household as mundane, but I don’t honestly have many epiphanies when I’m taking care of household stuff. Plus, there is something magical about lighting a candle in the dark, just like the feeling in this card.
Ace of Water (Cups), again and again, is such a feeling of new life and love. It’s one of my favorite feelings: overflowing love and gratitude. Being blissful for simply being.
Five of Water (Cups) Ironically, the fog from this morning is starting to burn off. It felt so unexpected, especially since I’ve barely experienced fog since moving from Astoria, where it could engulf my whole river view. As I shared before, I got this card a lot as I went through that personal time of fogginess. Today, I believe that she is coming up top with the Death card to help me through my private feelings of self-doubt and wanting to live a higher purpose beyond myself and my family. I just had another counseling session where I was able to voice how it’s felt to be so indecisive about my new life path. At my heart, I know that I’ve known all along that I can’t go back to living/working in a cube, but I’ve still been struggling to have the self worth and confidence that it takes to be a successful entrepreneur. I think one of my biggest obstacles though is my desire to connect deeper with other people and to feel of service. Without that higher purpose, it’s hard for me to feel truly myself.
Three of Air (Swords) is a place where I feel myself, like writing now. On one level, I do my best to write without any preconceived notions of what it will accomplish, yet I type so fast that it’s a really gratifying exercise and hard for me to finish writing practically anything without feeling a sense of accomplishment. I remember back when I was working as a Facilities Services Specialist for the Portland Water Bureau…I had been out of graduate school for a few years, and didn’t realize how much I missed writing. I carefully crafted a memo giving an update on a situation regarding a cell site lease on one of the towers. When I got done, I was inexplicably proud, as though it was some piece of poetry that moved me. For me, my desire to be a writer, and someday author, is really about the pleasure in the process, not the product. It’s the harmony I feel and connected with my sense of purpose.
12 The Tree (The Hanged Man) Interestingly, this major arcana card comes just before the Death card, and is all about letting go and surrendering. At this point, I know that I need to surrender to my buried feelings of fear and insecurity, of worrying that others don’t believe that I deserve my beautiful and amazing life, and may be jealous or hurtful when I finally accept myself enough to truly shine my/our inner light. Gaian affirmation: “I find serenity in surrendering to the great Mystery.”
Six of Air (Swords) Sixes, in connection with The Lovers, is all about union and community, and creating together. With air, the mind is active, and wanting to share ideas and connect with like minds.
Six of Earth (Pentacles), likewise, is about about exchanging resources and building up wealth and abundance, together. I truly believe that competition and survival of the fittest is where our patriarchal system has led us the most astray from our natural human instinct to act with generosity and reciprocity.
Seven of Water (Cups) is such a welcomed card in this reading, as I really am ready to take action on my dreams. For many months now I’ve applied for many jobs, and with each application, I’ve envisioned myself in that position and taking on that role successfully. I’ve only applied for jobs that felt in alignment with my life and goals, which has meant that I’ve been selective. Yet, that’s also meant that I’ve poured even more of myself and my hopes into each potential opportunity, which in some sense has meant for a lot of wasted energy. But I know that I needed to go through that long phase of indecisiveness in order to really understand why and how my dream is my dream. I appreciate this affirmation: “I open my hole heart to my dream.”
13 Death, beyond any creative outlet for this reflection series, is really my hope for this venus retrograde season. I’ve already let go of so much of my old life, since Jupiter when into Scorpio a year ago. That was when I knew on a spiritual level that the proverbial honeymoon was over. My process of separating and divorcing is a much longer story, and while physically we’ve been separated for 10 months now, I can see through counseling how much I’ve held onto his judgements and feared his reactions to me truly my own authentic life. I believe that we all attract the soul mates we need, not necessarily want. I don’t ever want to blame my ex or to make me out to be a saint, because I’ve surely been a mirror to his own issues, and hopefully helped us both see how we can be better people in new relationships. With that said, I feel that it’s past time to share my feelings… It’s taking a LOT of healing to deprogram myself from 18 years together, and believing that I wasn’t free to be myself, and that I was unworthy, and I couldn’t be successful earning money on my own, and that no one would value what I offer or worse that my “big mouth” would make the world want to ostracize me. Yet, I know that just because he didn’t truly see/understand/value me, beyond serving him (and I don’t want to claim that he didn’t try, he did, but true love and acceptance is something you do naturally), doesn’t mean that’s the truth.
What does feel true is that I am a very lucky person, especially as a woman, to live in a day and age when women are finally being listened to and acknowledged for the powerfully receptive and creative energy that we offer. I know that I have spiritual and practical gifts that I am just beginning to tap into, and that by shedding light on the cultural taboos of Piscean Age, that I can help us all shift into the Age of Aquarius, truly the dawning of a new culture. Life as as we know it is about the change, and I believe for the better: “Aquarius is visionary and creative, but rebellious, too. Aquarius’ job is to challenge authority, tear down existing structures, and replace the outdated with something better.” Yes, please.
Ok, plenty of reflecting for one day…Happy Friday!