I’ve never written at length about my Hubby, but he truly deserves more credit than being mentioned in passing. It’s mostly to respect his sense of privacy. Yet, tonight I feel compelled to reflect and share.
First, I’ll share our “how we met story”… I was in my last year of college, and he was in graduate school at the U of O. I had volunteered for the Sustainable Business Symposium, and was charged with being the Volunteer Coordinator…he was one of the volunteers. We connected at the volunteer appreciation event, held at Cosmic Pizza. After seeing me swing dance with another guy, he came up with one of the best pick up lines I had ever heard, asking me if I gave dance lessons. I was a bit perplexed since the night before I had registered for ballroom dance lessons, but it only took me a moment to realize that he was hitting on me.
Despite our approaching finals, we both suddenly found time in our otherwise busy lives. In six months we were moving in together in a tiny three-bay garage unit on Ladd’s Addition Circle in SE Portland. Our place was so small that I figured we could live anywhere if we could thrive there. Looking back, we were indeed a carefree couple. Sure there were new jobs and responsibilities, but we spent some Sundays just reading the paper, biking and playing Frisbee. Hubby-to-be played his cards well, wooing me with his domestic partnership skills (we were diligent about alternating dinner/dish duties).
Kevin also passed three other tests on his way to becoming Hubby. Before we met, after my first Danish Love, I made a commitment to myself that I needed three basic conditions before getting married:
- We had to live together for a year (we lived together for two years)
- We had to travel abroad together (we met in London and traveled to Wales and Ireland together)
- I had to be at least 25 (my birthday was two months before our wedding)
And I am so ever grateful that he “passed my tests.” After eleven years of marriage, it feels like we’ve moved past the growing pains of a new relationship, and have become stronger for it.
We’ve supported each other in pursuing our Master’s degrees, and in the commitments required of being public servant professionals (more night meetings than I care to count). Becoming parents together was another steep learning curve, with him following my lead almost entirely in the early months and gradually asserting himself as Dad with a capital D.
In case I haven’t made it very clear, Kevin is a stellar Daddy. While I don’t think parenting partners can ever truly be 50/50, he does more than his fair share (of everything but cloth diapers). We alternate bedtime duties religiously, and he makes one-on-one play time a priority. He folds laundry almost nightly, leads up family chores and deep cleaning, and cooks all day nearly every Sunday. He coaches baseball in the spring and soccer in the fall, and simply loves coaching kids. Even though he works long hours, he’s a very hands on Dad.
Lest I portray only his public image, Kevin does admittedly have challenges with his O.C.D. tendencies. He wants/needs the house to be nearly immaculate (not that it always is by any stretch, but it doesn’t take much to set him off, so we’ve all learned to make a valiant effort to clean up before Dad comes home to make for a more peaceful evening). Truly, our family needs simplicity in order to function positively. Partly linked to these triggers, patience is the skill that he’s most needed to learn as a parent. He also wrestles with the kids too rough/much for my liking. They love it though, and it’s somehow how they relate. But to his credit, he/we are learning to identify situations before they escalate and simply communicate more effectively. Plus, we know each other so well that we often anticipate each other needs before we see it for ourselves.
While he was initially reluctant about having a third child, he’s fallen madly in love with our Sweetie. Somehow by grace, bringing another child into the world has brought us closer together than I think either of us expected. In some ways it feels like practice makes perfect, and I do know that our experience and the nice age spread makes all the difference. I also know that my career shift has also benefited our marriage, even if we don’t have a budget for expensive date nights.
The truth is that making time as a couple is part of our success, that and being good business partners. One of the best things we’ve ever done was our anniversary trip to Hawai’i last winter for our 10 year anniversary. It was soooo relaxing to have time purely to ourselves. If I could wave a magic wand, I would plan a getaway from the kids for a week every year…need to find a cheaper alternative this year though.
I don’t think either of us have ever seriously considered the “d” word, although parenting in the early years test our ability to communicate compassionately (sadly, I think sleep deprivation must be a leading cause of divorce…so my one tip is to the sleep in different beds if that’s what it takes to get real sleep, but don’t go too long without snuggling). When Girly was a babe, I remember reading the tongue-in-cheek book, I’d Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper. It hit home on so many levels, as frustration simmered with our relationship put on the back burner. In case you happen to be going through a rough patch, these tips for being married with children completely resonate with me.
Thankfully, we’ve managed to get through the woods of our first decade of marriage unscathed. Our sex life may have been barely status quo at times, but somehow we kept a spark alive. Even when it felt like we could barely finish a conversation over a few days worth of interruptions, we grew together and eventually learned how to communicate with each other more effectively.
Yet, I know in my heart that there’s one reason I love Kevin the most: I love the family values we are creating together. We both care deeply about the environment and getting out in nature as much as possible…we eagerly plan our family camping trips and dream of the same National Park vacations. We both care about education, for ourselves and our children…never wanting to stop learning. We both get excited about the same local policy/politics issues, and want to be a part of making Portland an even better place. We both care about our friends and family and are loyal and generous.
I can honestly say that our relationship keeps getting just better and better. I feel sooooo exceptionally blessed to have such a life partner.
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You my Hubby!