I am ready to write my story and speak my truth.
I’ve grown spiritually in so many ways over the past three seasons. Here at the harvest the moon, I am feeling truly grateful. I am feeling connected to my eternal nature, and peaceful in my body and breath. I have this deep knowing that I’ve always known was there, but was shadowed by self doubt and judgement.
Since the winter solstice, I have transformed my life. After having worked for years to stay in a marriage that I felt spiritually trapped in, I took the bravest leap I could imagine. I left my dream home, which I loved and felt was a miraculous reflection of my inner beauty. I left my career, which even though I struggled with limiting factors, I felt as though I was still destined to create radical social change that would impact generations.
For awhile I truly felt like I had to take my life one day at a time, which for me was a foreign concept, as someone who used to get a great sense of accomplishment from my planning my life months and years in advance. I’ve now come to enjoy whatever spontaneity and true free time I can create space for, having faith that divine timing will allow what I most need. I know that I do still gain clarity and peace from making my home beautiful, even though as a single mom without a neat freak hubby, I’m still learning to balance the work load.
Speaking of work, that’s been the biggest conundrum during this transitional phase. I started off excited to see the abundance job listings (compared to Astoria, where I was lucky to see one a week that could be a marginal fit when I was searching…), and I envisioned myself working in City Hall for Commissioner Chloe and feeling truly engaged in local progressive politics, then I pondered other possibilities of city bureaus, then I started to wonder whether I would be a better fit with an environmental nonprofit, and I longed to feel the same passion I did early in my career. Most of all, I wanted and still want to feel connected to larger movement of social change.
In my process of looking for meaningful work, I’ve hit up against all sorts of belief systems. Most of all, I realize how entitled I am, but how I still somehow have lacked the confidence to create my own path, and have faith that I’ll be able to create the lifestyle that I desire. I’ve been legitimately overworked, despite being unemployed. I’ve also spent more time on my own healing and self care than I would want to admit to anyone who might judge me.
I’ve come to see how my own inner critic has a deep intolerance for selfish righteousness and judgement. Yet, I know that I have attracted people into my life to help me see, feel and understand the need for true acceptance and sharing of unconditional love. My children teach this to me every day, especially lately with all the Kindergarten tantrums, and back-to-school bumps. Giving grace, and learning from teachable moments is the best any of us can do.
When I restarted counseling again, I figured that it would help with the ongoing stress of moving and divorcing, which both required more energy and stamina than I ever thought possible. I knew it would be helpful to talk through my frustrations with setting new co-parenting boundaries. Yet, what I didn’t expect was how much I would grow through talking about my relationship with my identical twin sister, Miel and our Mom.
The end result was coming to a full awareness of just how much I have sought her/their approval to live my life. I now just how comfortable and safe I’ve made myself. First living in her shadow, and my mom’s, then Kevin’s, and now my kids’. Don’t get me wrong, my life has been brilliant and beautiful on so many levels, and I’ve enjoyed sharing our light. I’ve blossomed when I’ve felt praised, but I’ve also shrunk with every little moment of perceived judgment or shame.
I’ve also had a deep feeling of not being good enough, of feeling less than. Growing up, Miel and I were constantly compared. I understand the natural tendency, and with the exception of feeling bullied for being accident prone, I know no one ever intentionally wanted me to feel inferior. It just happened to be that the most notable differences between us made Miel more aligned with our Mom’s positive attributes, and I was decidedly more like my father, who our Mom rejected. While she tired to hide her disdain, we still knew that she didn’t want to be with him, which was enough to make me feel much less than.
For better and worse, I was good at overcompensating, trying to prove myself. On the surface I was successful, and for the most part I was even happy, earning satisfaction from their praise. Yet, as I as finally grown up, here at middle age. I can see clearly just how much Miel and Kevin have the same qualities that I admire, but that I am indeed not them.
On the night that Miel gave birth to her second son, Ellis, who is named after our grandfather and born on Teagan’s fifth birthday, I cried and cried. They were mostly tears of joy and wonder at the mystery of life. They were also tears of deep surrender and acceptance. Knowing that I need to let go of my attachment to her, my soul mate, in order to gain my sovereignty. I need to shine my own light, before we will be able to be truly shine together.
Now nearing a thousand words, which is my own self-imposed word count, my story is to-be-continued. I will simply leave with the cliffhanger…I know my destiny is to inspire and heal through my words, and I am forever grateful for this journey together.